I love and hate this day.

First, let's talk about the hate, since I like to take the bread before the icing.

I particularly hate this day because, dammit, I feel so hated and invisible -to everyone. People look at me and then they start to whisper. It makes me want to like, cry or shut myself up from the world. But something inside me didn't let me do it. I just went with saying to myself 'Ignore. Ignore. Ignore it.'. But honestly, it's hard. Even you know that. You keep saying to people 'Just ignore it!' But you haven't realized that you're finding it hard to ignore things like that too. But somehow, I managed to pull through. But still, I hate this day.

Other than that though, everything seemed so perfect. Now here's the rather bittersweet part of the day.

You see, I'm in love with this certain person. She's a friend of mine, we're close I guess? We get along well -I try not to do the things she dislikes at all times and support her in all ways possible. Yesterday actually, I was absent in school because I almost only had 2 - 4 hours of sleep and I felt dizzy and a bit feverish actually. But if I felt a bit better, I would've gone to school - since that day was an important day. It was the day we were making our classroom's flag/banner. So the next day, when I went to school -I felt a whole lot better. I was devastated with the news the flag making was a failure. So, I went to go ask one of the makers -my best friend -on what happened. She told me that the money wasn't given to her to buy cloth, so she bought it when school was out and the person I loved had made it, all by herself. I sighed and waited patiently for that special person of mine. But I didn't made it too obvious, I was trying to make myself busy and let myself not to constantly think about her that much.

But I failed in that miserably.

So, when she finally arrived, I hastily got up from my sit and went to hers. Our classroom is divided to two parts, one on the left and one on the right. I was in the right side, furthest back. She was in the left side, by the middle. So there, I ran (or more like, maybe pranced) my way to her and trying not make it so obvious that I was so excited to see her. "So what happened with the flag?" I asked. And she pulled out the flag from her bag. God, I didn't really care about that stupid flag, I cared about the fact that I was talking to her. Her tomboyish voice and looks were just to die for. And the fact that she was bisexual/lesbian wasn't helping with my heart. I smiled and took the piece of cloth to look at it. Our hands brushed a bit and I felt very happy. The letters "C-H-A-R-I-T-Y" were perfectly made, right in the middle and was absolutely gorgeous with the black paint and silver glitter. The name of our section was on top, revealing it's glorious name. "Wow... this is so pretty! I'm so glad you were able to make it." She scoffed and it made me nervous and quite sad. "It better. I worked like 3 hours on that. I slept for only 5 hours today." She told me. She went home by 9 so she slept around 12 by then. I felt bad, because I was absent on that particular day. But I just flashed a fake grin. "I see. Miss would be proud of you then. And everyone of course." I said, and then, the bell rang. That meant assembly time -and our Holy Spirit Mass.

I sighed a little and gave the banner back to her. Our Vice President started to tell us to make our lines outside. I scurried to the switches to turn all the electrical appliances off -but I felt eyes peering behind me. It made me frown, so, I went outside and faced the green wall. I took my towel to my face and leaned on the wall. I wanted to cry that time so badly, but I bit back a sob. I pushed myself away, but I leaned back in again, then a hand tapped my shoulder. My heart raced but I soon relaxed again. It was only a friend of mine -a guy -telling me to scoot a little. I was blocking the way a bit and I sighed as I did as told. Then, she came out of the room -everyone did. Then, there I asked that question I was dying to ask for so many times.

"I'm in love with someone who's in love with someone else. What should I do?" I asked, with my voice low and almost shy. She then said. "Uh, wait, let me think about that." I waited for an answer as my heart started to thump loudly again. "Then, just steal that person away." She said, and I laughed. I chuckled then I wanted to cry in joy and sadness all at the same time. I repeated what she said. "Steal that person away..." I said and I laughed again. She smiled. "I'm waiting for a miracle to happen actually." I said quietly, she didn't reply. Then, it was her turn to ask. "Who is it anyway?" I got nervous and I felt myself shake and tremble. "It's a secret. I can't tell you." I said. She pursued though. "Tell me." I sighed. "You'll know. Someday." I replied, staying true somehow. "A third year student?" She asked -secretly asking 'Is it my girlfriend?'. I shook my head, being serious. "Fourth year?" I scoffed. "Hell no." She then thought more carefully. "Second year?" I was then, hesitant at first, but I nodded after a bit. "Yeah." She then smiled. "Is it in our section then?" I shook my head vigorously. "I won't tell you the section, but that person is in our level. I smirked, then, our line started to move.

I was planning to tell her, to be honest, but I got scared. So, I just kept quiet and gave subtle hints. I figured she wasn't much of a dense person. But she had a girlfriend so, I think she's blinded and all. And the fact that I was one of the first to know that she was Bi, that she had a girlfriend and that I helped her sorting herself out also helped with that. As of now, I don't know what I'll do. But I'll definitely enjoy this, the feeling of true, honest, and pure love. I hope, it'll turn out alright. I won't mind rejection, but I hope we could still be friends.

Urges

Sometimes, I get these urges, a really strong feeling that I really want to be famous. But I'm not one of those fools that want to be famous for the money, to get recognized as a fool, I want to be famous for the doing the things I love. Singing, playing the piano -Music. It's so fun for me, it's like I'm creating a new life or something. I love it so much, I'd give up anything.

But that's rather selfish, don't you think?

Giving up anything for a dream? I don't think so. Because when I think about getting famous, I also think about the risks and the bad things that might happen to me. And it scares me -I might lose something for being so selfish. Then, I just realized that hey -life's a fucking gamble. Actually, no, I didn't realized, I of course knew this from the start. Life, gamble, yeah and all of those things. But that teaches me another thing too -I have to believe something I don't see, I can't hear and something almost impossible.

"Not impossible, just hard." A quote from an infamous movie. That's true, there's nothing easy in life, nothing ever will be than giving up. Yeah, that's easy -in some situations anyway. At least in mine, it's easy. It's easy giving up a dream, pretending like you never really thought of it. It's hard and heavy to regret though.

I want to be famous. I want to show my talent to the world because I know I have talent. And no, I'm not gonna waste it to working my ass 8 hours a day and getting paid so little of what I -we all- deserve. It's like that infamous parable, where there was a master and three servants. The two invested the money they were given, but the other gave up and got too scared to do anything. I don't want to be that coward -hiding what has been given to him and wasting the time he should have used for investment. I want these talents to grow, be found and such.

But maybe it's just not my time yet, maybe I just need to hold back a bit more before I do anything stupid. Yeah, maybe that's it. But, dammit, if that time really comes, I'm seriously gonna grab it and never let it go.

I don't want it to end up like my first love, hm?

Dreams

Dreams... they say dreams are the windows to your most inner desires. They say dreams are the messages God delivers to us. And, there's this one particular dream that I can't really forget. No matter what I do, no matter what I am/was doing, my thoughts drift off to that dream again.

I can't remember the exact date, but it somewhere in the 'ber' months back in 2009. I was getting ready to sleep around 9:00pm, since I had school the next day. The lights flickered off and my brother and mother started saying their prayer before sleeping.

"Dear Jesus, Thank you for the nice house, good food and a happy school...."

It always starts, after that, I completely forget what my brother tries to say. And at that particular night, I decided to pray my own prayer, instead of listening to my sibling's. Finally finishing, I grab on to my favorite Hello Kitty pillow and close my eyes. I slowly drift off to sleep, not knowing what the Lord had in store for me.

I seemingly opened my eyes, seeing that I was in an arcade. With the games around and noises, I recognized it easily. It must have been around 6:00pm around that time, since I saw that outside, the sky was turning darker and darker as every moment passed. And then... he appeared. At first, I didn't really know who he was, but my mouth moved on it's own. "Arthur!" I called out. And when I heard it, I promised not to forget it anymore. The boy turned around, finally revealing his face. He was white, with squinty eyes and black-ebony hair which reached up to his chin. He was obviously Asian. He had glasses and he was wearing a jacket. He was with a friend of his, a boy. He smiled at me and started walking toward me. He took my hand, and then, it just faded there.

After a bit, another image began to fade back in. I was in a house... it looked Japanse or something, I can't really tell. I guess I was older, seeing I had long hair then, and that, I seem to grew taller. Then, I saw him again, now, his hair was shorter, he looked like he was in his late 20's. He smiled at me and I realized, he had a ring in his hand. He reached out to me again and took my hand.

My finger had a ring as well.

And after that, my mom had to wake me up which was around 5:30am, to do the daily routine to get ready for school. But, I didn't want to sit up yet. I stayed in my bed for 5 more minutes, promising to myself never to forget that dream or the name. And until now, it still remains in me, still fresh in my memory. His distinct features and everything. Since that day, I became 'in love' with someone that had only appeared in my dreams.

If you heard the song "Falling Slowly" by The Swell Season, you must know the first lines "I don't know you, but I want you" fir perfectly here. As of now, I'm still in love with that person, and I won't really stop. Who knows, maybe I'll meet that person when the time comes, hm? Maybe I'll magically turn into Cinderella by then and get swept off my feet by my Romeo.

First things first...

First Blog Post in this site, beautiful.

How do I start things off? Hm... I'm not really who you think I am. Do you think my words are cold? They're just words. Words are but illusions so that you can hide the truth. Words are but things we use to understand each other verbally. But have you realized even without words, you can understand a person? See. Illusions I tell you. I don't really make sense, now do I? I don't have to, as long as you understand the message I want to get through you, you'll be fine. You'll survive in this blog.

Moving on, this isn't really the first blog I've had, more likely to be the second one. Though, my other one is in livejournal, but, it's not really much of a blog at all. More like a 'fanfiction' archive of mine. And yes, my name there is also tagasaing if you must ask.

Well, enough of that, I'll tell you more about myself, personality in other words.

I'm not the friendliest person you'd meet really. I start off cold to most people, well.. anyone I don't really know. But, sometimes I get the intuition that a certain person is good, or easy to get along with. But I try not to rely on it that much, who knows what it might get me into. I don't want to endanger my life, yes?

I'm not sarcastic, funny or anything much really. Just a plain ol' girl, trying to catch up with the new 'in' in life. I'm trying to catch up with the things my friends or colleagues discover. But through it all, I'm just simply trying to be myself, hm?

Well, since I'm too lazy to actually type other things, let's move in quickly to other things, yes?

First, why tagasaing, you may ask. Yes, I'm Filipino. I won't say I'm proud to be one, I think you know that already. Okay, so on with the real question. Why. Why? Well, part of it, it's lack of imagination, latter part, it's about the Filipino Families. At least one or two people of each Filipino family knows how to cook rice or "magsaing". It's an essential "life skill" that one needs to learn in the family, if I may add. And for one, to be a "tagasaing" is pretty much common. Simple, just trying to be yourself, not ashamed of what or who you are. And that my friend, is what I want to be. So that pretty much sums it up. I won't dive in further, I don't want to strain your eyes.

Secondly, the title of my blog. No, it's not inspired by Taylor Swift's song "White Horse", but a good friend of mine. You see, us humans have the tendency to fall in love or the state of 'loving' someone in that 'special way'. And me, being the human I am, fell in love. Many times now actually. And then just a month ago, I experienced the so-called 'heart break' which I'm used to now. But, I can't help but feel hurt, who can, hm?

So, I ask some help (well... not really) from a friend. This person has been a friend of mine for many years now, so I'm not really surprised if she notices the way my atmosphere changed. So, she keeps on babbling about "There are many fish in the sea", but I'll counter her with a "But I want that fish!" jokingly. Then, one of her lines hit me. "You're not a princess, darling. You're [insert my name here], the girl who's..." And goes on with the mushy stuff. And without really listening to anything else she kept on saying, I realized that she's right. I'm not a princess, so... that person is not my prince. I have to stop falling for something that's but a mere fairytale. And after that, we decided to go to Jollibee and laugh to our heart's content. So, I hope that answers your question.

Well, there's nothing to talk about anymore, but if you really want to, you can go read my future blogs. Feel free to express what you want to say, go comment as much as you like. Whether you didn't like it or you did, I appreciate the time that you've given to read this. See you again, my friend.